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dashyi鐵桿木蟲 (職業(yè)作家)
豬家族--共黨豬
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[交流]
【原創(chuàng)】第一次寫GRE作文，過來曬一下，大家批評一下 已有7人參與
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這是argument01 TOPIC: ARGUMENT1 - The following appeared in a memorandum written by the vice president of Nature's Way, a chain of stores selling health food and other health-related products. "Previous experience has shown that our stores are most profitable in areas where residents are highly concerned with leading healthy lives. We should therefore build our next new store in Plainsville, which has many such residents. Plainsville merchants report that sales of running shoes and exercise clothing are at all-time highs. The local health club, which nearly closed five years ago due to lack of business, has more members than ever, and the weight training and aerobics classes are always full. We can even anticipate a new generation of customers: Plainsville's schoolchildren are required to participate in a 'fitness for life' program, which emphasizes the benefits of regular exercise at an early age." WORDS: 446 TIME: 01:21:52 DATE: 2011/2/25 10:08:04 This memorandum claim that Nature`s Way will be most profitable in Plainsville. To support this claim the president points out that Plainsville has many residents who are highly concerned with leading healthy lives. He also cites various other evidence that sales of running shoes and exercise clothing are at all-time highs, and some nearly closed health club has more members than ever. Careful examination of this supporting evidence, however , reveals that it lends little credible support to the applicant`s claim. However the president fails to establish a causal relationship between the the high-time of plainsville merchants and the residents. He is failing to consider other possible alternatives to the sales of shoes and exercis clothing at hihgh time and the weight training always full.Such alternatives may include the fact that at that time the neighbor maybe go there to take part in these club and also maybe the vistors are more at there time than other time to buy the exercise things. THen the shoes,exercise clothing ,health club and aerobics classes`s high time may be coused by other alternatives not theresidents. In addition,the prisident also commits the fallacy of "all thing are equal". The fact that happened on heath club and other stores is not a sound evidence to draw a conclusion that Nature`s Way will be most profitable in Plainsville. Because maybe the residents only like to go to the club, not like to buy the things in the Nature`s Way. The president also points out that the schoolchildren are participate in a finess for life program, so they will cmphasizes the binefits lf regular exercise at an early age. But the president assume without justification that the background conditions have remained the same at different times. These children who may be not love exercise at all be forced by the shool or the teachers. Thus it is impossible to conclude that the store will be most profitable in Plainsville. To begin with, the validity of the previous experience is doubtful.Only through a short time`s experience is not prove the store will be profitable in plainsville.Maybe after some days, after everyone has the exercise products,they will not need to buy these things.Unless it can be shown that these merchants reports are representative of the future, the conclusion the store is most profitable is completely unwarranted. In conclusion, the president has not convinced me that the Nature`s Way will be most profitable inPlainsville. To better evaluate the argument I would need more information comparing the store and the local clubs and stores. To strengthen the conclution,before any final decisions are made about building next new store in Plainsville,the president should evaluate all possible alternatives and causes. |
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林大赤子
金蟲 (正式寫手)
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2樓2011-02-27 22:55:21
dashyi
鐵桿木蟲 (職業(yè)作家)
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3樓2011-02-28 08:18:17
fengchi
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★ ★ ★
小木蟲(金幣+0.5):給個紅包，謝謝回帖交流
yuhuidavid(金幣+2): 謝謝交流~ 2011-03-04 09:20:30
小木蟲(金幣+0.5):給個紅包，謝謝回帖交流
yuhuidavid(金幣+2): 謝謝交流~ 2011-03-04 09:20:30
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好聽的話就不說了哈，說一下樓主作文的問題： 首先是模板味道太重了。這一點相信樓主自己心里明白，呵呵。套用模板有一定用途，主要是能快速上手，但問題是每年太多中國考生考aw時都用類似的模板，這樣的后果，即使不被判雷同，也可能讓閱卷人覺得無聊而不給高分。 其次是時間控制。不到500詞的作文寫了將近一個半小時……不過因為是第一次寫，肯定有不熟練的地方，這可以理解。經(jīng)過大量練習這一點應該不成問題。 第三是語法和句法錯誤較多。我草草的看了一遍，至少發(fā)現(xiàn)了五六處有明顯問題的地方。如果仔細研讀，可能會發(fā)現(xiàn)更多。在aw考試中，特別是在issue里，很多考生追求思想深刻文筆優(yōu)美，卻不知用詞準確行文流暢乃是基礎。用來批駁別人的argument中出現(xiàn)大量基本語法錯誤，其說服力無疑會降低很多。實際考試時，最好能留出三四分鐘的時間進行檢查。 最后提醒樓主，寫aw時，段落之間最好空一行。 以上是我的第一印象，如果說得樓主不開心，還請莫怪。就整體而言，我覺得這篇argument大約能得3.5分。但考慮到這是樓主的第一篇argument，所以會有很大上升空間。希望樓主多多努力，在aw中取得好成績。 |
4樓2011-03-03 12:58:47
dashyi
鐵桿木蟲 (職業(yè)作家)
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5樓2011-03-03 13:03:01
bigtom999
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6樓2011-03-03 14:04:25
fengchi
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7樓2011-03-03 14:47:07
wanzhijian
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8樓2011-03-03 20:07:58
fengchi
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9樓2011-03-05 12:28:02
10樓2011-03-24 22:53:35
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