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【咨詢】第二篇托福作文，重金求改。
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作文題目： Is the ability to read and write more important today than in the past? Why or why not? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. 作文正文： The modern life needs ability to read and write more In this period fraught of exploding information, obviously, people's ability to read and write is playing a more and more significant role in vocation competing and daily life than ever before, and becoming basic personal capacity for people to be adapted to this digital age. 20 years ago, when the Internet was not widely accepted by the masses, those methods utilized to transport information were confined to traditional media such as paper, telephones, televisons and broadcast. Commonly in a past daily life, people waked up in the morning, read the lastest newspaper delivered to their mailboxes, listen to the news about the results of football games last night broadcasting in the air, and then went to work, exchanged some knowledge with friends or workmates by talking or calling, and looked up some terms in books inefficiently. Although people did need to write or print words on the paper, the quantity of information successfully delivered from person to person is quite limited. And apparently, people needed less efforts and ability to read and write. Comparing to the nowadays, due to the remarkable advance of digital and Internet technologies, a multitude of messages is being transferred conveniently across all of the world. Everyday when we open our computers and connect to the word wide web, we face to a huge flow of information. People have to distinguish meaningful knowledge from the countless news and get the essential part of it to handle the various situation and then make their choice. People not only receive communications but also product a great number of new messages and convey them to others. It is obvious to take a market manager for instance. They search terms by search engines, order messages from especial web sites, statistic and sort the information they get, write some reports and send them by emails or upload them to database. Virtually, almost every vocation in the modern age requires people manipulating read and write skills and processing large quantity of information efficiently. In the current day, the world is much more changeable. I cling to believe that the key to stand out from the multitude of masses is to obtain more knowledge and hold more opportunities. Apparently, new challenges and new sorts of environment suppose people to have better ability to read and write than in the past.  [ Last edited by keyares on 2010-11-12 at 21:39 ] |
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既傻又憨(金幣+1):鼓勵你申請專家顧問或者版主，在板塊置頂處！ 2010-11-13 19:22:06
keyares(金幣+100):內(nèi)牛滿面 2010-11-13 19:59:17
keyares(金幣+25):幫你把稅也補齊了。 2010-11-13 19:59:52
既傻又憨(金幣+1):鼓勵你申請專家顧問或者版主，在板塊置頂處！ 2010-11-13 19:22:06
keyares(金幣+100):內(nèi)牛滿面 2010-11-13 19:59:17
keyares(金幣+25):幫你把稅也補齊了。 2010-11-13 19:59:52
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Is the ability to read and write more important today than in the past? Why or why not? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. The modern life needs ability to read and write more(托福作文不需要標題) In this period fraught of exploding information, obviously, people's ability to read and write is playing a more and more significant role in vocation competing and daily life than ever before, and becoming basic personal capacity for people to be adapted to（主動語態(tài)就可） this digital age. （這個開頭段，就會決定ETS rater們眼睛發(fā)不發(fā)光。。 所以，務(wù)必要在精煉的基礎(chǔ)上正中要害，引人注目啊。你的開頭是什么信息爆炸的時代啦，幾乎每篇文章都這樣誒。。。ETS老頭都看膩了。并且，這正的是泛泛而談，要具體，一定要具體。比如，讀寫能力提高了，就能幫助找工作，表達思想感情，等等。仔細想想：信息爆炸，競爭等與“提高讀寫能力很重要”之間有什么direct邏輯聯(lián)系嗎？中間的bridge部分呢？） （每段頂格寫，段落之間隔一行，上次說過啦）【請加主題句，一目了然，如： In the past were reading and writing skills less required for individuals due to the less competitive and busy life.】 20 years ago, when the Internet was not widely accepted by the masses, those methods utilized to transport information were confined to traditional media such as paper, telephones, televisons and broadcast. Commonly in a past daily life, people waked up in the morning, read the lastest（latest） newspaper delivered to their mailboxes, listen to the news about the results of football games last night broadcasting in the air, and then went to work, exchanged some knowledge with friends or workmates by talking or calling, and looked up some terms in books inefficiently. Although people did need to write or print words on the paper, the quantity of information successfully delivered from person to person is quite limited. And apparently, people needed less efforts and ability to read and write. 整個段落： 缺點一：無總領(lǐng)全段的主題句，論據(jù)模糊。對于閱卷人來說，他必須掃完一整段還要自己歸納你整段的大意，我的神啊，多大的耐心啊。所以。。 缺點二：整個段落都在泛泛地談以前的一個生活狀況。理想的段落結(jié)構(gòu)應(yīng)該是：主題句+兩句引申+example+對example的分析（兩句）+一句總結(jié)。 優(yōu)點就不說啦，你的語言還不錯，不過需要精煉，要針針見血，多寫吧，會有感覺滴 Comparing to the nowadays, due to the remarkable advance of digital and Internet technologies, a multitude of messages is being transferred conveniently across all of the world. Everyday when we open our computers and connect to the （worldwide） web, we face to a huge flow of information. People have to distinguish meaningful knowledge from the countless news and get the essential part of it to handle the various situation（s） and then make their choice. People not only receive communications but also product a great number of new messages and convey them to others.（這樣的句子，完全可以寫成倒裝咯，增強句式變換）（前面有點累贅，與其花一半的段落來贅述這些鬼東東，你不如加強語言的優(yōu)美度及例子的coherence） It is obvious to take a market manager for instance. （終于來例子啦）They search terms by search engines, order messages from especial web sites, statistic and sort the information they get, write some reports and send them by emails or upload them to database. Virtually, almost every vocation in the modern age requires people manipulating read and write skills and processing large quantity of information efficiently. 第二段還可以，結(jié)構(gòu)上沒有問題。 In the current day, the world is much more changeable. I cling to believe that the key to stand out from the multitude of masses is to obtain more knowledge and hold more opportunities. Apparently, new challenges and new sorts of environment suppose people to have better ability to read and write than in the past. 給你一個好的結(jié)尾結(jié)構(gòu)： Admittedly, 你不贊同的一方面的優(yōu)點。。。However, after close and insightful scrutiny, the benefit of …overweigh drawbacks blabla due to … . Therefore, I need to reinstate my point….夠你寫很多很多了，并且給ETS的感覺就是，你這個人面面俱到，既考慮到了對方的優(yōu)點，還加以了一定的客觀權(quán)衡，是一個綜合考慮問題的人。ETS要的就是這種辯證看待問題的能力呀。 這次寫的好很多，審題審對啦，結(jié)構(gòu)上也有進步 不過，托福作文就是跟ETS的老頭們玩的一次邏輯游戲。你需要做的是環(huán)環(huán)下套，把他們拉入你設(shè)的文字陷阱，所以，你的這個局無比要下的精、準、狠，而且要漂亮優(yōu)美，讓其流連往返。這是一種境界，熟能生巧，加油吧。付出和回報總會成正比的。O(∩_∩)O~ |
3樓2010-11-13 19:09:02
keyares(金幣+74): 2010-11-18 21:15:57
keyares(金幣+26):nice！ 2010-11-18 21:17:00
keyares(金幣+26):nice！ 2010-11-18 21:17:00
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The modern life needs ability to read and write more In this period fraught of(一句很簡單很普遍的話里來了一個很大的詞,別扭) exploding information, obviously, people's ability to read and write is playing a more and more significant role in vocation competing(competition就好了,有名詞就用名詞撒,專業(yè)點) and daily life than ever before, and becoming basic personal capacity for people to be adapted to this digital age. 20 years ago, when the Internet was not widely accepted by the masses, those methods utilized to transport information were confined to traditional media such as paper, telephones, televisons and broadcast. Commonly in a past daily life, people waked up in the morning, read the lastest newspaper delivered to their mailboxes, listen(如果與上面的并列的話,應(yīng)該是listened) to the news about the results of football games last night broadcasting in the air, and then went to work, exchanged some knowledge with friends or workmates by talking or calling, and looked up some terms in books inefficiently. Although people did need to write or print words on the paper, the quantity of information successfully delivered from person to person is quite limited. And apparently, people needed less efforts and ability to read and write. 一直在描述一個很XX的狀況,沒有自己的觀點,沒有一個主題句,通篇下來沒有亮點.語句都很平淡.. 其實不需要這么冗長. Comparing to the nowadays, due to the remarkable advance of digital and Internet technologies, a multitude of messages is(are) being transferred conveniently across all of the world. Everyday when we open our computers and connect to the word wide web, we face to a huge flow of information. People have to distinguish meaningful knowledge from the countless news and get the essential part of it to handle the various situation and then make their choice. People not only receive communications but also product a great number of new messages and convey them to others. It is obvious to take a market manager for instance. They search terms by search(ing) engines, order messages from especial web sites, statistic and sort (of )the information they get, write some reports and send them by emails or upload them to database. 并列結(jié)構(gòu)這么多,看的多累啊,考官怎么想啊? 這么長的句子,要是結(jié)構(gòu)句式富于變化就是亮點,如果都是人人都會的并列結(jié)構(gòu),就顯得啰嗦了,完全沒必要Virtually, almost every vocation in the modern age requires people manipulating read and write skills and processing large quantity of information efficiently. In the current day, the world is much more changeable. I cling to believe that the key to stand out from the multitude of masses is to obtain more knowledge and hold more opportunities. Apparently, new challenges and new sorts of environment suppose(challenge和environment可不會supporse,require還差不多) people to have better ability to read and write than in the past. 通篇文章只是在泛泛的談,沒有一個嚴謹?shù)倪壿嬎悸泛徒Y(jié)構(gòu). 更不用說組織了. 托福作文是要求你論證一個東西. 我認為…. 第一,…理由一~ 第二,…理由二~ 第三,…理由三 所以,我堅持認為….. 這才是一篇嚴謹?shù)呢灤┻壿嫷膶W術(shù)文章.老外欣賞的東西.. |
4樓2010-11-18 20:22:20
5樓2010-11-18 21:17:43
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2010-11-12 23:37
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keyares(金幣+1): 2010-11-13 15:50:54
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